Ramblings of a College Graduate

I’ve been wanting to write this all summer… But I haven’t had the words to say, until now.  I recently graduated from college in May. Since then I have watched countless classmates begin their careers, get married, get engaged and move out. With the assistance of social media it has become difficult not to play the comparison game. Throughout my life I envisioned what I would be doing post graduation, what I wanted to do with my life, how I wanted to make a difference. But what I never stopped to consider was that my life may never come close to what I had always dreamed for myself. I never dreamed that my dad would become terminally ill, and I never dreamed that I would become an auntie to 3 amazingly adorable kiddos either.

So here I am post graduation, realizing that life is not as I had hoped it would be, or how people sugar coated it to be… I had spent what seemed like hundreds of sleepless nights asking God why I had been forgotten while other’s lives seemed to be falling into place… Why was I stuck where I was? Why was I stuck where I knew I had chosen to be, where I knew he wanted me to be? All summer I had felt like David throughout Psalms… Wondering where my God was, crying out to him but feeling as though he wasn’t listening. I was angry, wondering why he didn’t seem to care… but taking solace in the fact that David knew similar feelings. I knew that God loved me, that he had a plan for my life. But because he wasn’t doing it in my timing, I became bitter. I felt cheated from the life that I had dreamed up.

But here’s the thing: We were never placed on this earth for self fulfillment. We were placed on this earth to glorify God in ever thing that we do. And every now and again I find that a difficult concept to grasp-

because, come on…

I’m. f-l-a-w-e-d.

Trudging forward, and choosing to seek Christ even when I’m frustrated with him is always challenging. Yet there has never been a moment that I have regretted it. In the moments of silence when he chooses not to speak- are the moments that he is beckoning me to him the most, daring me to trust him. To trust him even through the muck and the grime when I resent him the greatest. All the while, teaching me the meaning of faith and teaching an even greater depth of his love…

That he sent his son, to meet me in my doubt and my frustration so that I would be loved amidst my imperfections. For the first time I felt a comfort in sharing my sadness & my loneliness with my creator, friend, and father.

He desires for us to have a deep invested and vulnerable relationship with him. To be raw and unfiltered before him. To come as we are to love him and serve him through our brokenness. And the greatest thing he has to offer in return is never-ending love. We can cheat on him, run from him, lie to him, curse him, and he still finds us as radiant as ever.

What blows my mind about all this, is that I could be told this thousands of times... and I still need to relearn it. But what a fantastic reassurance that he will always meet me where I’m at.

Tonight I am thankful that I don’t know all the details to my life. I’m thankful that I have a father that sees the entire picture and is for me, Even when I think I know the picture better. Thankful that I am loved and cherished even though my life is different from my dream world… and Thankful that my father will always provide for me.

Walking to defeat ALS: thoughts.

Here I am writing in the middle of the night. Yet again.

This morning Abby and I traveled to Hershey for the annual Walk to Defeat ALS. The walk consisted of a 2 mile loop and hundreds of others walking for friends and family. What I didn't expect was the amount of emotions that it stirred up. So many were walking in honor of passed family members while others were there to appreciate those who were walking for even themselves. My heart was broken realizing how many other's lives are affected by ALS on daily basis... For the first time I saw the clinic that my dad has received treatment and support from for the last 6+ years living with ALS. 

For the first time I realized the numerous others diagnosed with this terrible disease. While wandering the crowds of people I slowly began to relive each terrible progression of ALS in my dad's life. Each person I saw with ALS painfully reminded myself of the very real struggle my father faces every day. Not only that, but it reminded me of the deep pain I have felt since I was 14 when my dad was first diagnosed. As I continued working my way through the morning gazing upon those afflicted with ALS or those grieving and supporting those with ALS I became increasingly frustrated. I had the thought process of "dad's been sick for 6 years, I should get used to feeling this by now. Why does the pain keep coming? Have I not processed any of it yet? Why does it feel so fresh?" I have believed for so long that to overcome the pain, to defeat the hardship, that one should conquer their emotions and feelings as well. However this evening I've come to a completely different thought:

I'm never going to conquer the emotions and feelings I feel continuously, day after day, as I watch my father slowly die... and.... that's OKAY. We've never been called to a perfect life, to be robots, to not feel. But we HAVE been called to carry our crosses. If God loved my father so much that he sacrificed his only son so that my father may one day walk, talk, and breathe again, then I believe I could carry at least my own cross and follow him. ALS and the impending loss of my father is the cross in my life. I'm willing to carry the burden and relentlessly pursue Christ. He is the only true freedom from burden, grief, despair, sickness, etc. 

Matthew 16:24 Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.

When the pain is great, as I look at the struggle before me I can only collapse into the arms of my savior offering it all at his feet. 

The struggle with ALS is a continual battle each day for dad, and for each of us caring and loving him. I believe that the Lord is using ALS to bring so much good through my dad's life as well as our families. It's a horrific disease, but in the end I'm thankful for it and am confident that the Lord is still writing our story. The lord still has so much to use our family and our story for. Praise be to God, for he is my light and my salvation. He feels my pain when I feel as though not a soul knows the anguish of my heart. He mourns as I cry, and rejoices as I triumph. He is abounding in love... and most importantly He is for me. 

Starting Over

Junior Year has been an incredible year. A year full of joy, happiness, laughter, community, grace, friendships and vulnerability. When I entered the beginning of Junior year I was coming back to a campus I hardly knew. I had lost friends, a boyfriend and even myself. I was anything but excited to come back to a future that seemed hopeless. I was starting over, again. As the semester began I was anxious and lonely, wondering if I would ever enjoy my college experience again.

Slowly each day I forced myself to remain positive, attempting to give Christ my brokenness, sadness, and loneliness (which is easier said than done). Soon, weeks had passed and somehow I was surviving. The first semester was coming to a close and somehow, I had friends. By the time I returned second semester I realized I was learning what joy was like again... I began to know what the Joy of the Lord was.

Through an awful, miserable sophomore year my God brought joy, beauty and grace. I came back to school wondering how I'd survive, and somehow I ended up prospering. My grades took off, I found some of the most Godly, amazing people, and am confident in who I am as woman of God once again.

The hardest part in the process was trusting Christ to do what seemed to be the impossible. I knew where I wanted my life to be, but I couldn't seem to get there. It seemed like it would take forever to move forward. All I needed to move forward was to acknowledge my weakness. I would have thought that admitting my weakness once would be enough, but Christ doesn't think the same way. He wants me to hand every hardship, desire and dream to him repeatedly, day in and day out.

Eventually he turned my sorrow into dancing and I am now filled with a joy that is hard to shake. For my God has come to my rescue and renewed my spirit. I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. Through darkness, through great pain, and through immense loneliness, God is constant. I know that my desires may not be what the Lord has for me, for his plans are far better than anything I could ever dream up.

For now I can freely say"It is well with my soul" wether in times of great joy or times of sorrow. For my God will fight for me, I need only to be still.

vulnerable.

Why.

That word comes to mind all too frequently lately.

Why.

Why can’t my life be as I want it to be. Why is it MY dad. Why does ALS exist. Why does it hurt so much.

How.

How can this be fair…

In the overwhelming moments of despair that I have felt this holiday season these are just a few of the things that have been on my mind.

Now, I know the answer to most of these questions. But in the moment all that is felt is confusion, sadness and anger. The last thought to occur is one of understanding.

I am realizing more and more that there is a time to be sad. There is a time to be angry and confused. But most importantly when that time comes, take advantage of it.

Our culture all too often places shame upon those who dare to be vulnerable. There is a stigmatization that to be vulnerable = weakness. I for one have held way too tightly upon this stigma. Growing into an adult with a terminally sick parent I have pieced together ways to keep it all from reaching me….

Don’t talk about it.

Don’t cry in front of anyone.

Don’t show the pain.

Ignore it.

Out of sight out of mind.

But through each excuse, each justification I am humbled.

I am shown that maybe hiding it all is a form adaptation. That maybe ignoring it doesn’t mean that I’m not hurting. That crying in front of someone is more comforting than crying alone. That not talking about it is keeping me from community with the body of Christ. That hiding the pain makes me seem heartless, and that there is something beautiful about a person willing to admit their brokenness and need for a savior.

So I guess the biggest and greatest lesson I’ve learned in 2014 is this:

“Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable”

For the first time in my life I have realized my need for a savior. My need for someone to take all my pain, my sadness, my hurt, my anger and have all control. My need for a savior allows me to be free.

But so many times I find myself not allowing me to be free. I continuously try to change my life, my circumstances, but each and every time I fail. And with every failure I become more discouraged. But the beauty of the cross tells me to take refuge in Jesus. If I can gather the courage to do this then just maybe I will be changed. Maybe I won’t be as cold, or arrogant… Maybe I’ll be humbled for once. Maybe I’ll discover my sin for the first time. Maybe I’ll realize that I am such a fool without Grace.

Just maybe Christ will change my heart.

And just maybe, I’ll rediscover what unbridled joy is.

Living with ALS

So yet again, here is another late night rambling...

I tend to have nights where there is so much I am thinking about that I just need to express it all or I might explode... And when that happens; I write.

I finished my sophomore year of college in the beginning of May. I was more than enthusiastic to come home, and see my family. (For sophomore year was the most difficult year I've had to date). So as I came home, I was very emotionally spent. But I came home to discover that the waiver providing funding for the home health care for my father was being revoked. 2 years ago when my dad came home from the hospital after being placed on a ventilator we were placed on a financial waiver that provided the funding for all of dad's care.

Within the last 6 months the government has come to the conclusion that we have no reason to be on the waiver for the waiver is income based, and not based upon needs. We currently make too much money to be on the waiver. The government notified us that we would be required to pay more than $24,000.00 annually for my father's care out of pocket, and we would be taken off the waiver.

My mother went to court, and needless to say, we lost. This could result in our having to possibly declare bankruptcy and other possible outcomes.

Instantly when I heard we were being taken off the waiver I was angry, confused, and depressed. What would happen to my daddy? What would happen the family? .... The only thing I knew was that God would provide

And so he HAS!

As soon as we received our verdict we set up a donation site in order for us to raise funds to keep my daddy at home and taken care of. Within 6 days we had raised $13,016.00 for the care for my dad... And this isn't even the best part yet...

-----------------------------------------------

Maybe you've noticed a little thing floating around in the social media world known as the... ALS Ice Bucket Challenge?

I know for myself it took me a couple days to finally check it out. When I did, I discovered that Martha Stewart had poured a bucket of ice water over her head to raise awareness for the disease ALS... As did Jimmy Fallon, and Justin Timberlake and countless other professional athletes and celebrities. I decided to start my own and nominate some of the closest people to me.

Within 5 days, my facebook newsfeed was FULL of the #ALSIceBucketChallenge.

What is the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge?

The Ice Bucket Challenge is when a person dumps a bucket of ice water over their head to raise awareness for ALS, otherwise known as Lou Gerigs Disease. Then, the person nominates atleast 3 people to do the same within 24 hours or they are required to donate $100 to the ALS Association.
------------------------------------------------

For 6 years now I have struggled with the frustration of no one caring or knowing anything about ALS. Everything on tv, and in the papers, and on the internet was all for awareness of cancer. Please do not think that I do not find cancer serious, or unworthy of support or donations. I however have found it difficult that there are many many diseases that pass unknown, that are in HUGE need of funding for research. ALS has no known cause, or cure. Funding for research, and even awareness could change that.

Over the last 6 days I have watched a dream of mine slowly turn into reality. People finally know that ALS exists, & know what it is! Thanks to the Ice Bucket Challenge, the ALSA has received 5 times the amount of donations than they had at this point last year. And thanks to the Ice Bucket Challenge my family personally has received MANY donations for which we couldn't be more thankful.

The whole point of this one big rambling is this; GOD PROVIDES 

On Friday evening we had a close friend of the family contact my mother. He wanted to invite dear friends to do a huge ALS ice bucket challenge in honor of my dad. So, he made a facebook event and we spread the word as quickly as possible. In 2 days we had 100 or so people show up to dump freezing ice water over their heads all in support of my daddy. The local newspaper came by, as well as the local news station to do segments on our story.

God has not only continued to provide the funds for my daddy's care, but he has provided beauty within every painful obstacle that ALS has thrown our way.

The view of 100 people we knew well, and even strangers made more of an impact than ever imagined. We are loved. We are loved by an incredible God, and are richly blessed.

I'd like to say we are overcoming ALS... Everyday is a struggle, but everyday Christ is renewing our strength. Everyday it's hard to wake up and watch a loved one succumb to a terrible disease such as ALS, but everyday God provides moments that remind us that it is all for his good. And although ALS has no cure, yet... We are living as though a cure isn't important. My daddy will one day speak, eat, breathe, laugh, and walk again. Wether that be here or in heaven, he will one day be restored, and that's enough for me.

2 Corinthian 4:17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

The many people who came to show support today for the ALSIceBucketChallenge

ALS - as usual

I spent the majority of the evening perusing old journals that belong to my dad. There were many moments he wrote of that I had forgotten, some that I never knew about but all were from his point of view. My father hasn't been capable of speaking to me since Sophomore year of high school. These journals have now blessed me with a way to hear my father's voice ever so silently, for the first time in almost 4 years. ALS continues to consume his body and rob him of his life. Still, we somehow continue to praise the Lord and enjoy each moment as it comes. Every smile brought to his face is worth the many, eye wipings, changing of his gowns, & tucking his feet in... My heart is broken daily, but some how as I sleep each night it is renewed. 

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. - 1 Peter 5:10

When the very thought that dad can't control any part of himself but his mind begins to sink in, I grasp onto Jesus. I grasp onto him as if I am drowning and am struggling to find my next breath. I know it hurts my dad, and it hurts us almost as much, watching him deteriorate... But I have hope. My hope is found in Jesus Christ. Though I have no clue why my daddy is sick, I know that God has a plan. He knows my heart, he knows my dad's heart, he knows them more intimately than even we do.

You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
 You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar. -Psalm 139:1&2 

I can hardly wrap my mind around that! This small trial in the time frame of life is leading up to something remarkable... For God is for us and not against, he is using ALS for his glory! That may be hard to imagine, but everything works together for the good of God. ALS has changed my life. Sometimes for the better and others for the worse. I don't wander around hopeless and terrified of the future, but instead I have learned to praise Christ for these present sufferings! I cherish and value life so much more, I know my family more intimately than I ever thought I would, and most importantly I cling to Lord of the universe because of it. I may have lost a lot due to ALS, but I believe I have gained so much more.

As far as I am concerned, we've beat ALS.  We may not have found a cure, or effective treatments... But through Christ everything has been conquered. Through Christ we have the ability to live life outside of ourselves, allowing us freedom. For Christ died to save us from ourselves, so that we may have life. We fully deserve the consequences of our evilness, and yet Jesus loved us so remarkably much that he couldn't bear to see our pain. He paid the price so that we may have joy and life once again.

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. -John 16:33

How ironic it seems that through a terrible, ravaging, terminal disease that we have found life, strength, & Grace.

Some recent thoughts

I really try to refrain from posting my feelings about life online...


Actually, I really try to refrain from even speaking about my feelings in person.


But tonight, seems to be the exception.

I've been feeling cheated.
Feeling cheated out of knowing my daddy better.
Some nights like tonight, I look at a dad and daughter shopping together full of envy, thinking "that should be me". Then occasionally, my mind spirals into a dark abyss of self-pity. With thoughts like:
My father was never able to attend my high school graduation ceremony. He didn't get to drop me off at college for the first time. He can't communicate to anyone let alone his grandchildren he had been dreaming of for years before their birth.

Everyday my heart is broken, but yet at the end of the day God somehow restores it.

When the pain of the reality of ALS sets in, I remind myself of something: Day in and day out, I am told of how much of a testimony of Christ my father is and our family is. I would never be as close to my family as I am today if my father hadn't gotten sick. My faith in Christ's redeeming love would be hardly existent. The testimony that my father gives me everyday is remarkable. I believe that God has used my father's illness to do so much good. ALS has changed his life, and the lives of our family. ALS is a blessing.

I am blessed beyond measure. I have been blessed to know what ALS is. I have been blessed to have a father who loves me immensely. I have been blessed to take care of my gradually dying father. I have been blessed to know pain and hardship.

So on the days when I am filled with unspeakable pain, I realize that this is my life. It's all a part of God's plan for me. There IS beauty in pain. And when you can finally decipher the pain, and realize that there is beauty in it, you learn to praise God through it.

Blessings- Laura Story

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Recent Revolutions

Again, it's been a while since my last post. College life is anything but boring. I rarely have time to myself. When I do, I never know whether to cherish it or to take it as a bad thing. God's #1 goal for my life this school year seems to have been to break me in every shape or form. Last semester he showed me that I was placing my hope, and finding my worth in everyone and everything else except for him. This semester he has been quick to point out some things that I have never struggled with in the past. In high school I was obnoxiously loud and outgoing. I knew who I was, who I wanted to become, and was comfortable in my own skin. I no longer know who I am, and am no where near the loud and obnoxious person I used to be in high school anymore. My whole personality has changed. Now I have been handed insecurities I never have struggled with. I am constantly worried about what people will think about me, my grades, keeping my friends, figuring out what to do with my life, and missing my family. Growing up I was never a jealous person, nor did I ever consider myself overly jealous.  But since coming back to school this semester God has shown me I have been incredibly selfish. Constantly I worry about my feelings, my day, my insecurities, but never once pay heed to anyone else's. Out of my selfishness has stemmed my new found, in huge portions, Jealousy. Everyone struggles with jealousy at some point in their lives, but It has never been something that has been a huge struggle of mine... 

until now.

I have come to the conclusion that God wants to break me. He wants to tear me apart and rebuild me with pieces of himself. He started the process in October, and he isn't finished with me yet. There are so many places in my spiritual life that could be worked on, where I think Jesus wants me to grow. I always have room to grow, and he wants me to constantly be aware of my need for growth in him. I am by no means a stranger to pain or hardship... I guess you could say I'm kinda a pro at hardship ;)

A college freshman... say wha??

It has been a very long time since I last posted. 3 months to be exact! I have almost made it through my first semester as a college student. Can you believe it!? God has been so good. My first week of classes went well (besides dropping a teacher). I was the "ex-homeschooler" who had never been to school before who was almost too excited to go to classes. God has brought many incredible people into my life. I have been blessed with a great room mate who "deals" with literally all my dirty laundry. I am such a messy person... I have been blessed with 2 of the best friends I have ever had who live right across the hall from me. I thank God for them almost daily. I have been accepted into their families as one of their own! They constantly pray for me, with me, encourage and uplift me. God has brought them into my life to show me who true sisters and friends in Christ are! I have such an incredible support system. Not only do I have great girlfriends and second families but I have great guy friends as well! God brought some amazing fellas into my life. He has shown me that there are good and godly men out there. I almost always thought of "good guys" as a fable. I think God has brought them into my life to say "Hey! Don't lose hope, I have a great guy out there for you. GOOD guys DO exist. I haven't forgotten about you." They are a constant reminder to myself not to settle, to keep my standards high, and one day I will find my prince charming! Overall my first semester has been a great one. I still have trouble finding the balance of working and socializing, but there will always be that struggle... right?

Welcome to College Life!

I cannot believe I am now officially a college student! We packed up the mini van and headed up to Beaver Falls, PA where I am now attending Geneva College. As we pulled up to unload my “CRAP” a group of 20+ very loud and over exuberant upper classmen were waiting to greet me and unload my things. I guess you could say from the very start of the day I was overwhelmed, and spent the rest of the day being thrown one thing after another. After hours of packing, crying, saying goodbye, crying, unpacking, crying, and organizing I am finally moved into Clarke Hall! Wahoo! I have met many wonderful, encouraging and joyful people in a little over 24 hours. I think this going to be a great 4 years. I still feel as though I am way too young to be considered a college student, and that I'll be going home in a few days. My roommate and I are so much alike it's almost freaky. We're going to be great partners in crime by the end of this year I can FEEL it. God is going to do some amazing things this year, I can hardly wait! 

A Year Full of Memories

My, has it been a while. What a year this Senior year has been. A year full of love, tears, joy, sadness, heartache, heart break, memories, drama, learning, and taking risks. In May I attended my Senior Prom with one of my best guy friends and had the time of my life. On June 14th I graduated high school with only my mom in the audience to cheer me on. It was incredibly saddening not to have my biggest supporter and hero there (my father) to support me. But had a blast with 2 friends I made while waiting in line to graduate. During senior year I stepped out of my comfort zone, made many new friends, lost some, and discovered who my best and truest friends are. But senior year was not only a year full of trials, but a year full of learning. Finally, I discovered who I am and whom I would like to become. I will be attending Geneva College in the fall as an Elementary Education/ Special Education major. Leaving home to pursue a higher education is beyond exciting, but also scary. I will leave behind dear friends, and family to pursue new memories, dreams, and friends. What a great adventure I am about to embark on!

Mom and I at graduation

Before Prom

During Prom

Have Your Way

For the past 6 months to a year I have been feeling extremely unsettled.  I recently made a promise to God and to myself that I will give him everything. He can do all things. I give him the reality of the pain of slowly loosing my father and everyday he finds a way to bring joy into my life. I give him the search for my future husband. By doing so he has saved me from un-needed and un-wanted amounts of pain. Its discouraging waiting for Christ's timing in all aspects of my life. But, his timing is perfect. I have seen his perfection in every aspect of my life. Christ will work everything out. I'm his child, and he is my father. He wants nothing else but to see me grow in all areas of my life. Trusting has always been an extremely hard thing for me to do. But the more I try to trust Christ the more at ease I feel. I have nothing to worry about, Christ is taking care of it. But whether or not I sometimes worry, is for another blog post. With that I'd like to leave you with a song by an amazing woman that changed my life.

Have Your Way- Britt Nicole
Feels like I've been here forever,
Why can't you just intervene,
Do you see the tears keep falling?
And I'm falling apart at the seams,
But you never said the road would be easy,
But you said that you would never leave.
And you never promised that this life wasn't hard,
But you promised you'd take care of me,
So I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape
And I'll trust you God with where I am
And believe you will have your way,
Just have your way,
Just have your way,
My friends and my family have left me
I feel so ashamed and so cold,
And I feel so ashamed and so cold
Remind me you take broken things and turn them into beautiful
So I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape
I'll trust you God with where I am,
And believe you will have your way,
Just have your way,
Just have your way,
Even if my dreams have died,
Even if I don't survive,
I'll still worship you with all my life,
My life, yeah,
Whoa, oh, oh, oh
Whoa, oh, oh, oh
Whoa, oh, oh
Whoa, oh
And I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape
And I'll trust you God with where I am,
And believe you will have your way,
Just have your way,
Just have your way, yeah
I know you will,
I won't forget
Whoa, oh, oh
You love me,
Have your way,
Yeah

Comfort of Comforts

What do you use for comfort? Ice cream? A favorite television show? Talking to a best friend? We as humans constantly turn to things that will only bring us momentary comfort. Maybe you are searching for something to fulfill or comfort you, in a boy friend or the perfect job, but you always come up empty. These things will not fulfill you unless you make Christ your number one comfort. Your boyfriend may break up with you, You may finish your ice cream or television show, but Christ will never leave you. He will always be your comfort. God is the comfort of all. The things of this life will fade, change, leave, break and die. There is no dependency. Our hearts may break, we may loose our health, our lives may change, and family members may die but God will remain constant.