God's Grace isn't limited

Have you ever struggled, Struggled with the way others view you? With letting others down? With Failing Christ and those that mean the world to you?

Let me tell ya, you're not alone in the least. Everyday this is my biggest struggle... I seek other's approval far above the approval of Christ. I want people to accept me, to affirm me in everything that I do. But realistically-thats not logical. God may have a calling for me that isn't what my family, or friends may want for me.

**Just A little bit about me**: I am a huge people pleaser. I spend days agonizing when I can't make everyone happy. When I realize that I can't make everyone happy I feel like a failure. A terrible sister, a terrible daughter, a terrible friend... etc. 

But the more that I value each person's input in my life, the more deflated I become. I continuously am drained from the feelings of inadequacy. Feeling trapped in my inability to respond perfectly to every situation given to me. The more trapped that I feel, the deeper my insecurities become. And before I realize it, I'm wandering around feeling like a different person- consumed with insecurities, doubts, and depression. And I sit there wondering how I have gotten to this point YET again!? HOW do I always end up crucifying myself and feeling worthless?

... Maybe my insecurities are from a lack of faith, from a lack of trust and hope in a God greater than my deepest darkness. Maybe my worthlessness is from searching for a fire fly to brighten my darkness rather than the sun.

In doing this I limit God. I limit his power, I confine him to a box, accusing him of smallness. Sometimes I'm tempted to say how cruel God is for sitting and watching as I struggle- but then again, I'm forgetting that my reasons for struggling are because of me. They're because I want others to fill me. And when they don't I want to fix it... Where's my trust? Where's my hope? Where's my faith that my God's grace will cover all of my imperfections?

Maybe somehow I have managed to elevate myself in my life-forgetting the power of the cross. Forgetting that Christ died so that I could live in freedom of perfection- That God's Grace isn't limited.

If you struggle like me in finding your worth... Awesome! We're in this together. We're broken together struggling towards righteousness. Join in me in praying that God will always reveal to us the true condition of our sinful hearts. That we would be humbled, and able to acknowledge where we fail and need a savior.

"Father, always, always, allow me to make you the highest priority in my life. Always help me to look to the cross to find my worth... My meaning & my confidence. You saved me... YOU. SAVED. ME. You saw my ugliness and loved me amidst it. You saw my failures and used them... You rebuild me when i'm shattered into a million pieces. Even when I don't want to seek you. You ALWAYS pursue me. Allow my joy to exude from your never ending grace. Amen"

Ramblings of a College Graduate

I’ve been wanting to write this all summer… But I haven’t had the words to say, until now.  I recently graduated from college in May. Since then I have watched countless classmates begin their careers, get married, get engaged and move out. With the assistance of social media it has become difficult not to play the comparison game. Throughout my life I envisioned what I would be doing post graduation, what I wanted to do with my life, how I wanted to make a difference. But what I never stopped to consider was that my life may never come close to what I had always dreamed for myself. I never dreamed that my dad would become terminally ill, and I never dreamed that I would become an auntie to 3 amazingly adorable kiddos either.

So here I am post graduation, realizing that life is not as I had hoped it would be, or how people sugar coated it to be… I had spent what seemed like hundreds of sleepless nights asking God why I had been forgotten while other’s lives seemed to be falling into place… Why was I stuck where I was? Why was I stuck where I knew I had chosen to be, where I knew he wanted me to be? All summer I had felt like David throughout Psalms… Wondering where my God was, crying out to him but feeling as though he wasn’t listening. I was angry, wondering why he didn’t seem to care… but taking solace in the fact that David knew similar feelings. I knew that God loved me, that he had a plan for my life. But because he wasn’t doing it in my timing, I became bitter. I felt cheated from the life that I had dreamed up.

But here’s the thing: We were never placed on this earth for self fulfillment. We were placed on this earth to glorify God in ever thing that we do. And every now and again I find that a difficult concept to grasp-

because, come on…

I’m. f-l-a-w-e-d.

Trudging forward, and choosing to seek Christ even when I’m frustrated with him is always challenging. Yet there has never been a moment that I have regretted it. In the moments of silence when he chooses not to speak- are the moments that he is beckoning me to him the most, daring me to trust him. To trust him even through the muck and the grime when I resent him the greatest. All the while, teaching me the meaning of faith and teaching an even greater depth of his love…

That he sent his son, to meet me in my doubt and my frustration so that I would be loved amidst my imperfections. For the first time I felt a comfort in sharing my sadness & my loneliness with my creator, friend, and father.

He desires for us to have a deep invested and vulnerable relationship with him. To be raw and unfiltered before him. To come as we are to love him and serve him through our brokenness. And the greatest thing he has to offer in return is never-ending love. We can cheat on him, run from him, lie to him, curse him, and he still finds us as radiant as ever.

What blows my mind about all this, is that I could be told this thousands of times... and I still need to relearn it. But what a fantastic reassurance that he will always meet me where I’m at.

Tonight I am thankful that I don’t know all the details to my life. I’m thankful that I have a father that sees the entire picture and is for me, Even when I think I know the picture better. Thankful that I am loved and cherished even though my life is different from my dream world… and Thankful that my father will always provide for me.