Walking to defeat ALS: thoughts.

Here I am writing in the middle of the night. Yet again.

This morning Abby and I traveled to Hershey for the annual Walk to Defeat ALS. The walk consisted of a 2 mile loop and hundreds of others walking for friends and family. What I didn't expect was the amount of emotions that it stirred up. So many were walking in honor of passed family members while others were there to appreciate those who were walking for even themselves. My heart was broken realizing how many other's lives are affected by ALS on daily basis... For the first time I saw the clinic that my dad has received treatment and support from for the last 6+ years living with ALS. 

For the first time I realized the numerous others diagnosed with this terrible disease. While wandering the crowds of people I slowly began to relive each terrible progression of ALS in my dad's life. Each person I saw with ALS painfully reminded myself of the very real struggle my father faces every day. Not only that, but it reminded me of the deep pain I have felt since I was 14 when my dad was first diagnosed. As I continued working my way through the morning gazing upon those afflicted with ALS or those grieving and supporting those with ALS I became increasingly frustrated. I had the thought process of "dad's been sick for 6 years, I should get used to feeling this by now. Why does the pain keep coming? Have I not processed any of it yet? Why does it feel so fresh?" I have believed for so long that to overcome the pain, to defeat the hardship, that one should conquer their emotions and feelings as well. However this evening I've come to a completely different thought:

I'm never going to conquer the emotions and feelings I feel continuously, day after day, as I watch my father slowly die... and.... that's OKAY. We've never been called to a perfect life, to be robots, to not feel. But we HAVE been called to carry our crosses. If God loved my father so much that he sacrificed his only son so that my father may one day walk, talk, and breathe again, then I believe I could carry at least my own cross and follow him. ALS and the impending loss of my father is the cross in my life. I'm willing to carry the burden and relentlessly pursue Christ. He is the only true freedom from burden, grief, despair, sickness, etc. 

Matthew 16:24 Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.

When the pain is great, as I look at the struggle before me I can only collapse into the arms of my savior offering it all at his feet. 

The struggle with ALS is a continual battle each day for dad, and for each of us caring and loving him. I believe that the Lord is using ALS to bring so much good through my dad's life as well as our families. It's a horrific disease, but in the end I'm thankful for it and am confident that the Lord is still writing our story. The lord still has so much to use our family and our story for. Praise be to God, for he is my light and my salvation. He feels my pain when I feel as though not a soul knows the anguish of my heart. He mourns as I cry, and rejoices as I triumph. He is abounding in love... and most importantly He is for me. 

Starting Over

Junior Year has been an incredible year. A year full of joy, happiness, laughter, community, grace, friendships and vulnerability. When I entered the beginning of Junior year I was coming back to a campus I hardly knew. I had lost friends, a boyfriend and even myself. I was anything but excited to come back to a future that seemed hopeless. I was starting over, again. As the semester began I was anxious and lonely, wondering if I would ever enjoy my college experience again.

Slowly each day I forced myself to remain positive, attempting to give Christ my brokenness, sadness, and loneliness (which is easier said than done). Soon, weeks had passed and somehow I was surviving. The first semester was coming to a close and somehow, I had friends. By the time I returned second semester I realized I was learning what joy was like again... I began to know what the Joy of the Lord was.

Through an awful, miserable sophomore year my God brought joy, beauty and grace. I came back to school wondering how I'd survive, and somehow I ended up prospering. My grades took off, I found some of the most Godly, amazing people, and am confident in who I am as woman of God once again.

The hardest part in the process was trusting Christ to do what seemed to be the impossible. I knew where I wanted my life to be, but I couldn't seem to get there. It seemed like it would take forever to move forward. All I needed to move forward was to acknowledge my weakness. I would have thought that admitting my weakness once would be enough, but Christ doesn't think the same way. He wants me to hand every hardship, desire and dream to him repeatedly, day in and day out.

Eventually he turned my sorrow into dancing and I am now filled with a joy that is hard to shake. For my God has come to my rescue and renewed my spirit. I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. Through darkness, through great pain, and through immense loneliness, God is constant. I know that my desires may not be what the Lord has for me, for his plans are far better than anything I could ever dream up.

For now I can freely say"It is well with my soul" wether in times of great joy or times of sorrow. For my God will fight for me, I need only to be still.