Why.
That word comes to mind all too frequently lately.
Why.
Why can’t my life be as I want it to be. Why is it MY dad.
Why does ALS exist. Why does it hurt so much.
How.
How can this be fair…
In the overwhelming moments of despair that I have felt this
holiday season these are just a few of the things that have been on my mind.
Now, I know the answer to most of these questions. But in
the moment all that is felt is confusion, sadness and anger. The last thought
to occur is one of understanding.
I am realizing more and more that there is a time to be sad.
There is a time to be angry and confused. But most importantly when that time
comes, take advantage of it.
Our culture all too often places shame upon those who dare
to be vulnerable. There is a stigmatization that to be vulnerable = weakness. I
for one have held way too tightly upon this stigma. Growing into an adult with
a terminally sick parent I have pieced together ways to keep it all from
reaching me….
Don’t talk about it.
Don’t cry in front of anyone.
Don’t show the pain.
Ignore it.
Out of sight out of mind.
But through each excuse, each justification I am humbled.
I am shown that maybe hiding it all is a form adaptation.
That maybe ignoring it doesn’t mean that I’m not hurting. That crying in front
of someone is more comforting than crying alone. That not talking about it is
keeping me from community with the body of Christ. That hiding the pain makes
me seem heartless, and that there is something beautiful about a person willing
to admit their brokenness and need for a savior.
So I guess the biggest and greatest lesson I’ve learned in
2014 is this:
“Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable”
For the first time in my life I have realized my need for a savior. My need for someone
to take all my pain, my sadness, my hurt, my anger and have all control. My
need for a savior allows me to be free.
But so many times I find myself not allowing me to be free.
I continuously try to change my life, my circumstances, but each and every time
I fail. And with every failure I become more discouraged. But the beauty of the
cross tells me to take refuge in Jesus. If I can gather the courage to do this
then just maybe I will be changed. Maybe I won’t be as cold, or arrogant… Maybe
I’ll be humbled for once. Maybe I’ll discover my sin for the first time. Maybe
I’ll realize that I am such a fool without Grace.
Just maybe Christ will change my heart.
And just maybe, I’ll rediscover what unbridled joy is.
