Right now I’m nursing a broken heart. All year I’ve been
battling depression and anxiety. Between moving home from college and
transitioning back to caring for my dad my days have proven to be challenging.
I became engaged earlier this year and that added a level of happiness and at
times stress…
I had my wedding dress, a wedding more than half way
planned, a house being remodeled, and a new life planned… But come May all that
changed- My fiancé and I parted ways. With our separation came a darkness I’ve
yet to experience in my short 23 years on this planet. A darkness that looms around every corner,
following me like a cloud of rain.
I’m used to trials. Difficulty, pain… they aren’t strange
visitors to me. I recognize them and almost call them friends. I’ve experienced
moments of doubt, moments of asking God “why?”, moments of anger, shame, and
guilt… But none of those moments measure up to the darkness I face in my life
today.
New adversaries have sprung against me, leaving me wounded.
Anxiety and depression are their names… Unable to leave the house I’ve cowered
at home as my pulse has quickened, as my arms have gone numb, and my mind
races. Unable to leave my bed because the depression has taken away any desire
to do the things I love. I’ve been unable to be in public because I’ve been
unable to control my emotions and my physical responses to stress. I was a passive observer as I watched life go
by from afar- trying to get through the day, knowing that when sleep would find
me I would know a few hours of much needed peace. But sleep never found me…
Food no longer seemed important.
I share this not to gain pity… But to be honest. To be real.
BUT
In my experience-(between finally beginning to work through
the reality of my father’s disease and then a broken engagement.) I’ve felt at
my wit’s end… wondering how much more I can take… knowing that so far my
strength has been non existent. That daily I cry out to God asking for him to
carry me through the day… To carry me through the moments I don’t know how I’m
going to move through because the pain is so great. That, YES there have been
moments in my past that I’ve questioned the goodness of my father. But through
this current storm there has never been a moment that I’ve doubted Christ’s
power. I’ve looked to him to carry me at
the moments when I wasn’t sure if I’d move forward. I’ve looked to him to
remind me that I am loved. Greatly and deeply. So deeply that he gifted me with
his grace… allowing me to boast in my weakness. Allowing me to proclaim that I
am broken and hurting. Allowing me to accept my inability to rescue myself…
Ridding me of myself. Reminding me that
he walks with me through every hardship. He holds me and cries with me when the
depression is unbearable. He reminds me that he too has felt the pain and
sadness that overtake me each day. He reminds me that I’m imperfect and that’s
exactly who he want’s me to be.
So yes, the darkness is overwhelming. But I trust in a
savior who is brighter than the darkness. I trust that this darkness has been
overcome… I refuse to pretend that my life as a Christian is perfect and that I
have it all together. Because living that life brings nothing but harm… I am
free. I am free to be broken. I am free to fail… because in the end… his grace.
Is. Sufficient.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
