This morning Abby and I traveled to Hershey for the annual Walk to Defeat ALS. The walk consisted of a 2 mile loop and hundreds of others walking for friends and family. What I didn't expect was the amount of emotions that it stirred up. So many were walking in honor of passed family members while others were there to appreciate those who were walking for even themselves. My heart was broken realizing how many other's lives are affected by ALS on daily basis... For the first time I saw the clinic that my dad has received treatment and support from for the last 6+ years living with ALS.
For the first time I realized the numerous others diagnosed with this terrible disease. While wandering the crowds of people I slowly began to relive each terrible progression of ALS in my dad's life. Each person I saw with ALS painfully reminded myself of the very real struggle my father faces every day. Not only that, but it reminded me of the deep pain I have felt since I was 14 when my dad was first diagnosed. As I continued working my way through the morning gazing upon those afflicted with ALS or those grieving and supporting those with ALS I became increasingly frustrated. I had the thought process of "dad's been sick for 6 years, I should get used to feeling this by now. Why does the pain keep coming? Have I not processed any of it yet? Why does it feel so fresh?" I have believed for so long that to overcome the pain, to defeat the hardship, that one should conquer their emotions and feelings as well. However this evening I've come to a completely different thought:
I'm never going to conquer the emotions and feelings I feel continuously, day after day, as I watch my father slowly die... and.... that's OKAY. We've never been called to a perfect life, to be robots, to not feel. But we HAVE been called to carry our crosses. If God loved my father so much that he sacrificed his only son so that my father may one day walk, talk, and breathe again, then I believe I could carry at least my own cross and follow him. ALS and the impending loss of my father is the cross in my life. I'm willing to carry the burden and relentlessly pursue Christ. He is the only true freedom from burden, grief, despair, sickness, etc.
Matthew 16:24 Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.
When the pain is great, as I look at the struggle before me I can only collapse into the arms of my savior offering it all at his feet.
The struggle with ALS is a continual battle each day for dad, and for each of us caring and loving him. I believe that the Lord is using ALS to bring so much good through my dad's life as well as our families. It's a horrific disease, but in the end I'm thankful for it and am confident that the Lord is still writing our story. The lord still has so much to use our family and our story for. Praise be to God, for he is my light and my salvation. He feels my pain when I feel as though not a soul knows the anguish of my heart. He mourns as I cry, and rejoices as I triumph. He is abounding in love... and most importantly He is for me.
