I’ve been wanting to write this all summer… But I haven’t
had the words to say, until now. I recently
graduated from college in May. Since then I have watched countless classmates
begin their careers, get married, get engaged and move out. With the assistance
of social media it has become difficult not to play the comparison game. Throughout
my life I envisioned what I would be doing post graduation, what I wanted to do
with my life, how I wanted to make a difference. But what I never stopped to
consider was that my life may never come close to what I had always dreamed for
myself. I never dreamed that my dad would become terminally ill, and I never
dreamed that I would become an auntie to 3 amazingly adorable kiddos either.
So here I am post graduation, realizing that life is not as
I had hoped it would be, or how people sugar coated it to be… I had spent what
seemed like hundreds of sleepless nights asking God why I had been forgotten
while other’s lives seemed to be falling into place… Why was I stuck where I
was? Why was I stuck where I knew I had chosen to be, where I knew he wanted me
to be? All summer I had felt like David throughout Psalms… Wondering where my
God was, crying out to him but feeling as though he wasn’t listening. I was
angry, wondering why he didn’t seem to care… but taking solace in the fact that
David knew similar feelings. I knew that God loved me, that he had a plan for
my life. But because he wasn’t doing it in my timing, I became bitter. I felt
cheated from the life that I had dreamed up.
But here’s the thing: We were never placed on this earth for
self fulfillment. We were placed on this earth to glorify God in ever thing
that we do. And every now and again I find that a difficult concept to grasp-
because, come on…
I’m. f-l-a-w-e-d.
Trudging forward, and choosing to seek Christ even when I’m
frustrated with him is always challenging. Yet there has never been a moment
that I have regretted it. In the moments of silence when he chooses not to
speak- are the moments that he is beckoning me to him the most, daring me to
trust him. To trust him even through the muck and the grime when I resent him
the greatest. All the while, teaching me the meaning of faith and teaching an
even greater depth of his love…
That he sent his son, to meet me in my doubt and my
frustration so that I would be loved amidst my imperfections. For the first
time I felt a comfort in sharing my sadness & my loneliness with my
creator, friend, and father.
He desires for us to have a deep invested and vulnerable
relationship with him. To be raw and unfiltered before him. To come as we are
to love him and serve him through our brokenness. And the greatest thing he has
to offer in return is never-ending love. We can cheat on him, run from him, lie
to him, curse him, and he still finds us as radiant as ever.
What blows my mind about all this, is that I could be told
this thousands of times... and I still need to relearn it. But what a fantastic
reassurance that he will always meet me where I’m at.
Tonight I am thankful that I don’t know all the details to
my life. I’m thankful that I have a father that sees the entire picture and is
for me, Even when I think I know the picture better. Thankful that I am loved
and cherished even though my life is different from my dream world… and
Thankful that my father will always provide for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment