Death: My Side of the Story- Observations... and a Thank You

When my dad first got sick I was hardly even a teenager. Suddenly I was thrown into a life of hospital stays, in home nursing, and the constant decline of my dad. I became a main caregiver for his respirator, his feeding tube, and other needs. With ALS you never know what the next issue might be. Sometimes it was dad choking on his food because he couldn’t swallow. Sometimes it was him coughing up blood. Other times it was sitting in the ER with him while we tried to help him fight off a cold that could end his life.  When I graduated college and moved home I cared for dad full time while working part time outside of the home. A lot of times I spent my free time with him or working else where. When I wasn’t home I was always in a state of fear that something may happen while I was away. When I was home I always felt tender. I watched him decline every week, day, and month. The anguish that I felt losing him was coupled with all consuming worry. When dad passed there was a surge of peace knowing that the worry would be able to cease…

Something that I didn’t anticipate was that I would find other minimal things to replace the worry I was so accustomed to for 9 years. Some days I find myself wondering why im in such a hurry to be home. Or I find myself worried that people and things most important in my life I will loose. My brain can’t comprehend simply living in the moment. My brain is only conditioned to constantly worry about the future and the next painful moment.

I’m slowly attempting to find my place. I’m slowly teaching myself to simply be present. I’m slowly trying to acknowledge that my fears may always be there, but they don’t have to control me.

Somedays I find myself appreciating the moment and the day for what it is. Others it’s a chore to make it through the day.

I feared and loved fiercely through every step of our battle with ALS. But the battle is over. In the end my daddy won. He was able to greet our savior with tears in his eyes and joy in his soul.

My battle with anxiety, depression, fear… It isn’t over. I’m learning to live a life void of ALS and everything negative it brought. But I’m also learning to live a life void of the man who shaped so much of the person writing this.

So I ask for grace. For patience. As I try to navigate a life I always hoped would have my daddy in it. There will be days that my irrational fears overtake me. These days may bring repeated “I’m sorry’s”  or “I’m so anxious”.  There may be more days where I simply can’t eat because life feels so scary.

I write this to be open. To continue sharing my story experiencing ALS. To continue to be honest of my brokenness. To continue to invest in other’s lives. To remind everyone that we all are a work in progress.

In some ways I’m proud of all ive gone through. In other ways I wish my trials had shaped me differently.

The only thing I know is that this is my life. My heart will always ache for the empty place in my life that once was filled with such a huge bright personality. But as I move forward - sometimes crawling. Or two steps forward and one step back… I realize that Even in the midst of agony there has been moments of joy. Moments of love… That have carried me…

Even when moments are bleak there are people who will carry me. When I feel like all breath has left my body from the pain I look over and realize my best friend has held me through every moment. I realize she doesn’t know the years of grief and worry. But she does know love… And she has loved me through every battle I’ve faced.

Thank you to each person that has loved on me and my family as we continue to piece back together a life that feels so new to us. Some days we will feel strong while others we will feel lost and confused. There may even be days where we feel all of the above. But I know the only reason we have made it through such loss is because of the impact of those who surrounded us and continue to.

Thank you for being the glue that has helped us slowly begin to rebuild our lives.

What A Beautiful Savior

There’s something beautiful about coming to the end of your self…

In the moments when you don’t know how to keep going.

The moments when you realize you’re not strong enough… when you’ve finally reached a time in your life when for once you can’t even rely on yourself to get you through the day.

You wake up and all you can do is pray “Lord I can’t do it. I don’t know how. Give me the strength to get through the day”.

You find yourself anxiously awaiting sleep. Because you know that with sleep will come a reprieve from the troubles of the day.

But then you wake up… and everything comes flooding back again….

And AGAIN, you pray the SAME prayer.

You say the prayer because it’s your life line, because you honestly don’t know how you’re going to make it through the pain, hurt, or sorrow. Because you feel like you’re being swallowed whole.

Then you say the prayer because you know it’s the only reason you’ve gotten this far. You feel numb and hopeless. And all you know is that if you keep praying and trusting eventually maybe everything will suck less.

Finally you say the prayer because you’re in awe. You realize that Christ is the only reason you get through the hours, days, weeks and months. You realize that you’re no longer reliant upon your own strength. Because you’ve discovered your darkest, weakest, and lowest point. You’ve watched sorrow, grief, fear and hurt invade your life. You sit and watch as a life you never wanted becomes the life that you have been given.

But in the midst of the darkest of moments, you find Jesus…

You find Jesus.

Not the stereotypical Sunday school answer “Jesus”…

But the battered, bruised and crucified Jesus.  The real. Jesus.

Not the typical image of perfection.

But the man who came to abolish the confines of religion. The man who came to fellowship with beggars, thieves, liars, prostitutes, etc.

The man who redefined what it means to be a Christian. Who was born a normal birth, who lived a normal human life, who experienced grief, anxiety, and hardships.

You find Jesus with arms open. Whispering “I will carry you”.

You finally fall into his arms. Crying “I need YOU.”

And he knows. He’s been waiting. Waiting for you to give up. Waiting for you to stop trying to be perfect… Waiting for you to fall on your knees in complete exhaustion. Because he wants you.

He wants to carry you.

What a beautiful Savior,

who humbles himself to carry us. To care for us.

What a beautiful savior who enters into the darkness to find us. To walk with us.

We have a beautiful savior who meets us in the darkness providing a peace that only he can provide.

Life is broken. WE are broken. But if the brokenness serves as a constant reminder of our need for the cross-of the beauty that emerges from suffering… Then I hope that we always struggle with brokenness.

There's a time for everything

Right now I’m nursing a broken heart. All year I’ve been battling depression and anxiety. Between moving home from college and transitioning back to caring for my dad my days have proven to be challenging. I became engaged earlier this year and that added a level of happiness and at times stress…

I had my wedding dress, a wedding more than half way planned, a house being remodeled, and a new life planned… But come May all that changed- My fiancé and I parted ways. With our separation came a darkness I’ve yet to experience in my short 23 years on this planet.  A darkness that looms around every corner, following me like a cloud of rain.

I’m used to trials. Difficulty, pain… they aren’t strange visitors to me. I recognize them and almost call them friends. I’ve experienced moments of doubt, moments of asking God “why?”, moments of anger, shame, and guilt… But none of those moments measure up to the darkness I face in my life today.

New adversaries have sprung against me, leaving me wounded. Anxiety and depression are their names… Unable to leave the house I’ve cowered at home as my pulse has quickened, as my arms have gone numb, and my mind races. Unable to leave my bed because the depression has taken away any desire to do the things I love. I’ve been unable to be in public because I’ve been unable to control my emotions and my physical responses to stress.  I was a passive observer as I watched life go by from afar- trying to get through the day, knowing that when sleep would find me I would know a few hours of much needed peace. But sleep never found me… Food no longer seemed important. 

I share this not to gain pity… But to be honest. To be real.

BUT

In my experience-(between finally beginning to work through the reality of my father’s disease and then a broken engagement.) I’ve felt at my wit’s end… wondering how much more I can take… knowing that so far my strength has been non existent. That daily I cry out to God asking for him to carry me through the day… To carry me through the moments I don’t know how I’m going to move through because the pain is so great. That, YES there have been moments in my past that I’ve questioned the goodness of my father. But through this current storm there has never been a moment that I’ve doubted Christ’s power.  I’ve looked to him to carry me at the moments when I wasn’t sure if I’d move forward. I’ve looked to him to remind me that I am loved. Greatly and deeply. So deeply that he gifted me with his grace… allowing me to boast in my weakness. Allowing me to proclaim that I am broken and hurting. Allowing me to accept my inability to rescue myself… Ridding me of myself.  Reminding me that he walks with me through every hardship. He holds me and cries with me when the depression is unbearable. He reminds me that he too has felt the pain and sadness that overtake me each day. He reminds me that I’m imperfect and that’s exactly who he want’s me to be.

So yes, the darkness is overwhelming. But I trust in a savior who is brighter than the darkness. I trust that this darkness has been overcome… I refuse to pretend that my life as a Christian is perfect and that I have it all together. Because living that life brings nothing but harm… I am free. I am free to be broken. I am free to fail… because in the end… his grace. Is. Sufficient.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

God's Grace isn't limited

Have you ever struggled, Struggled with the way others view you? With letting others down? With Failing Christ and those that mean the world to you?

Let me tell ya, you're not alone in the least. Everyday this is my biggest struggle... I seek other's approval far above the approval of Christ. I want people to accept me, to affirm me in everything that I do. But realistically-thats not logical. God may have a calling for me that isn't what my family, or friends may want for me.

**Just A little bit about me**: I am a huge people pleaser. I spend days agonizing when I can't make everyone happy. When I realize that I can't make everyone happy I feel like a failure. A terrible sister, a terrible daughter, a terrible friend... etc. 

But the more that I value each person's input in my life, the more deflated I become. I continuously am drained from the feelings of inadequacy. Feeling trapped in my inability to respond perfectly to every situation given to me. The more trapped that I feel, the deeper my insecurities become. And before I realize it, I'm wandering around feeling like a different person- consumed with insecurities, doubts, and depression. And I sit there wondering how I have gotten to this point YET again!? HOW do I always end up crucifying myself and feeling worthless?

... Maybe my insecurities are from a lack of faith, from a lack of trust and hope in a God greater than my deepest darkness. Maybe my worthlessness is from searching for a fire fly to brighten my darkness rather than the sun.

In doing this I limit God. I limit his power, I confine him to a box, accusing him of smallness. Sometimes I'm tempted to say how cruel God is for sitting and watching as I struggle- but then again, I'm forgetting that my reasons for struggling are because of me. They're because I want others to fill me. And when they don't I want to fix it... Where's my trust? Where's my hope? Where's my faith that my God's grace will cover all of my imperfections?

Maybe somehow I have managed to elevate myself in my life-forgetting the power of the cross. Forgetting that Christ died so that I could live in freedom of perfection- That God's Grace isn't limited.

If you struggle like me in finding your worth... Awesome! We're in this together. We're broken together struggling towards righteousness. Join in me in praying that God will always reveal to us the true condition of our sinful hearts. That we would be humbled, and able to acknowledge where we fail and need a savior.

"Father, always, always, allow me to make you the highest priority in my life. Always help me to look to the cross to find my worth... My meaning & my confidence. You saved me... YOU. SAVED. ME. You saw my ugliness and loved me amidst it. You saw my failures and used them... You rebuild me when i'm shattered into a million pieces. Even when I don't want to seek you. You ALWAYS pursue me. Allow my joy to exude from your never ending grace. Amen"

Ramblings of a College Graduate

I’ve been wanting to write this all summer… But I haven’t had the words to say, until now.  I recently graduated from college in May. Since then I have watched countless classmates begin their careers, get married, get engaged and move out. With the assistance of social media it has become difficult not to play the comparison game. Throughout my life I envisioned what I would be doing post graduation, what I wanted to do with my life, how I wanted to make a difference. But what I never stopped to consider was that my life may never come close to what I had always dreamed for myself. I never dreamed that my dad would become terminally ill, and I never dreamed that I would become an auntie to 3 amazingly adorable kiddos either.

So here I am post graduation, realizing that life is not as I had hoped it would be, or how people sugar coated it to be… I had spent what seemed like hundreds of sleepless nights asking God why I had been forgotten while other’s lives seemed to be falling into place… Why was I stuck where I was? Why was I stuck where I knew I had chosen to be, where I knew he wanted me to be? All summer I had felt like David throughout Psalms… Wondering where my God was, crying out to him but feeling as though he wasn’t listening. I was angry, wondering why he didn’t seem to care… but taking solace in the fact that David knew similar feelings. I knew that God loved me, that he had a plan for my life. But because he wasn’t doing it in my timing, I became bitter. I felt cheated from the life that I had dreamed up.

But here’s the thing: We were never placed on this earth for self fulfillment. We were placed on this earth to glorify God in ever thing that we do. And every now and again I find that a difficult concept to grasp-

because, come on…

I’m. f-l-a-w-e-d.

Trudging forward, and choosing to seek Christ even when I’m frustrated with him is always challenging. Yet there has never been a moment that I have regretted it. In the moments of silence when he chooses not to speak- are the moments that he is beckoning me to him the most, daring me to trust him. To trust him even through the muck and the grime when I resent him the greatest. All the while, teaching me the meaning of faith and teaching an even greater depth of his love…

That he sent his son, to meet me in my doubt and my frustration so that I would be loved amidst my imperfections. For the first time I felt a comfort in sharing my sadness & my loneliness with my creator, friend, and father.

He desires for us to have a deep invested and vulnerable relationship with him. To be raw and unfiltered before him. To come as we are to love him and serve him through our brokenness. And the greatest thing he has to offer in return is never-ending love. We can cheat on him, run from him, lie to him, curse him, and he still finds us as radiant as ever.

What blows my mind about all this, is that I could be told this thousands of times... and I still need to relearn it. But what a fantastic reassurance that he will always meet me where I’m at.

Tonight I am thankful that I don’t know all the details to my life. I’m thankful that I have a father that sees the entire picture and is for me, Even when I think I know the picture better. Thankful that I am loved and cherished even though my life is different from my dream world… and Thankful that my father will always provide for me.