Some recent thoughts

I really try to refrain from posting my feelings about life online...


Actually, I really try to refrain from even speaking about my feelings in person.


But tonight, seems to be the exception.

I've been feeling cheated.
Feeling cheated out of knowing my daddy better.
Some nights like tonight, I look at a dad and daughter shopping together full of envy, thinking "that should be me". Then occasionally, my mind spirals into a dark abyss of self-pity. With thoughts like:
My father was never able to attend my high school graduation ceremony. He didn't get to drop me off at college for the first time. He can't communicate to anyone let alone his grandchildren he had been dreaming of for years before their birth.

Everyday my heart is broken, but yet at the end of the day God somehow restores it.

When the pain of the reality of ALS sets in, I remind myself of something: Day in and day out, I am told of how much of a testimony of Christ my father is and our family is. I would never be as close to my family as I am today if my father hadn't gotten sick. My faith in Christ's redeeming love would be hardly existent. The testimony that my father gives me everyday is remarkable. I believe that God has used my father's illness to do so much good. ALS has changed his life, and the lives of our family. ALS is a blessing.

I am blessed beyond measure. I have been blessed to know what ALS is. I have been blessed to have a father who loves me immensely. I have been blessed to take care of my gradually dying father. I have been blessed to know pain and hardship.

So on the days when I am filled with unspeakable pain, I realize that this is my life. It's all a part of God's plan for me. There IS beauty in pain. And when you can finally decipher the pain, and realize that there is beauty in it, you learn to praise God through it.

Blessings- Laura Story

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Recent Revolutions

Again, it's been a while since my last post. College life is anything but boring. I rarely have time to myself. When I do, I never know whether to cherish it or to take it as a bad thing. God's #1 goal for my life this school year seems to have been to break me in every shape or form. Last semester he showed me that I was placing my hope, and finding my worth in everyone and everything else except for him. This semester he has been quick to point out some things that I have never struggled with in the past. In high school I was obnoxiously loud and outgoing. I knew who I was, who I wanted to become, and was comfortable in my own skin. I no longer know who I am, and am no where near the loud and obnoxious person I used to be in high school anymore. My whole personality has changed. Now I have been handed insecurities I never have struggled with. I am constantly worried about what people will think about me, my grades, keeping my friends, figuring out what to do with my life, and missing my family. Growing up I was never a jealous person, nor did I ever consider myself overly jealous.  But since coming back to school this semester God has shown me I have been incredibly selfish. Constantly I worry about my feelings, my day, my insecurities, but never once pay heed to anyone else's. Out of my selfishness has stemmed my new found, in huge portions, Jealousy. Everyone struggles with jealousy at some point in their lives, but It has never been something that has been a huge struggle of mine... 

until now.

I have come to the conclusion that God wants to break me. He wants to tear me apart and rebuild me with pieces of himself. He started the process in October, and he isn't finished with me yet. There are so many places in my spiritual life that could be worked on, where I think Jesus wants me to grow. I always have room to grow, and he wants me to constantly be aware of my need for growth in him. I am by no means a stranger to pain or hardship... I guess you could say I'm kinda a pro at hardship ;)